It is almost James’ first birthday and I will still struggle to find the words to reflect everything that has happened in the past year. But if it can make someone else feel they are not alone then I will try!
I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It is both my superpower and my nemesis. I knew I was at risk for post-partum depression but I was unaware of pre- and post-partum anxiety and it sent me into a spin.
I struggled to connect to my very much wanted pregnancy – I had heard so many stories that convinced me something would go wrong. It took until 20 weeks (after which I also finally stopped feeling sick!) to connect; finding out I was expecting a little boy made it feel more real.
I was seen by the mental health obstetrician throughout my very medicalized pregnancy and I convinced myself that it would prevent post-partum struggles. How wrong was I.
James, my funny, gorgeous little boy, arrived three weeks early, 65 hours after my waters broke in quite a spectacular (a.k.a. traumatic) fashion. I felt immediate relief when he came out, only for him to “fall off his perch” and be whisked to NICU for the next 2 weeks. I was recovering from huge blood loss for five days on a separate ward from my baby, unable to visit him unaided, and then I had to go home without him. We went into a Groundhog Day situation.
I was angry at how birth and post-birth had been. I never expected perfection but I also never in a million years considered I would be separated from my baby, given limited opportunity to hold him and have to see him have so many blood draws, or fed through a nasal tube.
I was told not to let the birth affect me by some well-meaning family members; I was “lucky to walk out with a baby.” That is the worst thing to say to someone and some call it “disenfranchisement of grief.” It shuts you down and makes you feel guilty for having any sadness.
When we finally got home, I thought it was normal to worry about every little thing but on reflection it was extreme. I was constantly convinced that there was something wrong with James especially after a trip on blue lights to the hospital, later resulting in a procedure under general anaesthetic to check his airways. That flared up an episode of complete head spin. I didn’t know what was truth. I felt to blame anytime he was upset and I felt like my head was going to explode any time anyone asked me even a simple question.
I was referred to Mums Matter (a Mind course) which helped me to realise that I was not alone in feeling this way. I was also seen by the perinatal mental health team and given a course of EMDR to process the birth trauma. Naively I didn’t know that you could experience such anger, grief and mental trauma from birth! I was desperate to get help early on in case I ever want to fall pregnant again; I was petrified that I would end up with long-term PTSD. Talking about everything, even before EMDR, helped to make the emotions less powerful. But I think I definitely underestimated the power of time too – it really does help too.
It would have helped me to know that pregnancy induced anxiety pre-and post-birth, in addition to the damaging mental effects of birth trauma are common. Post-partum rage was a new one on me too! I was blindsided by that. I felt like I was physically and mentally prepared for anything…! I have come to realise that sometimes s**t happens and there isn’t always someone or something to blame.
I think I will always hold some sadness about the start but have to accept I cannot resolve everything – nothing will take it away. We were lucky compared to some people, but we still experienced more panic and upset at a time that everyone tells you “should” be the happiest day of your life.
I wasn’t able to attend any of the support group meetups pre-lockdown and have only met a handful of the ladies on the group at the Mums Matter course. However, I feel that, even in absence of knowing these ladies, the Whatsapp group (with the necessary referral) is a safe space with a shared understanding on multiple different issues!
If you are reading this website, struggling and haven’t yet reached out to the NHS Perinatal mental health services or CPSL mind (note that referrals often happen through Health Visitors) please ask for help. I hope we can welcome you into the group and provide some support.
I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It is both my superpower and my nemesis. I knew I was at risk for post-partum depression but I was unaware of pre- and post-partum anxiety and it sent me into a spin.
I struggled to connect to my very much wanted pregnancy – I had heard so many stories that convinced me something would go wrong. It took until 20 weeks (after which I also finally stopped feeling sick!) to connect; finding out I was expecting a little boy made it feel more real.
I was seen by the mental health obstetrician throughout my very medicalized pregnancy and I convinced myself that it would prevent post-partum struggles. How wrong was I.
James, my funny, gorgeous little boy, arrived three weeks early, 65 hours after my waters broke in quite a spectacular (a.k.a. traumatic) fashion. I felt immediate relief when he came out, only for him to “fall off his perch” and be whisked to NICU for the next 2 weeks. I was recovering from huge blood loss for five days on a separate ward from my baby, unable to visit him unaided, and then I had to go home without him. We went into a Groundhog Day situation.
I was angry at how birth and post-birth had been. I never expected perfection but I also never in a million years considered I would be separated from my baby, given limited opportunity to hold him and have to see him have so many blood draws, or fed through a nasal tube.
I was told not to let the birth affect me by some well-meaning family members; I was “lucky to walk out with a baby.” That is the worst thing to say to someone and some call it “disenfranchisement of grief.” It shuts you down and makes you feel guilty for having any sadness.
When we finally got home, I thought it was normal to worry about every little thing but on reflection it was extreme. I was constantly convinced that there was something wrong with James especially after a trip on blue lights to the hospital, later resulting in a procedure under general anaesthetic to check his airways. That flared up an episode of complete head spin. I didn’t know what was truth. I felt to blame anytime he was upset and I felt like my head was going to explode any time anyone asked me even a simple question.
I was referred to Mums Matter (a Mind course) which helped me to realise that I was not alone in feeling this way. I was also seen by the perinatal mental health team and given a course of EMDR to process the birth trauma. Naively I didn’t know that you could experience such anger, grief and mental trauma from birth! I was desperate to get help early on in case I ever want to fall pregnant again; I was petrified that I would end up with long-term PTSD. Talking about everything, even before EMDR, helped to make the emotions less powerful. But I think I definitely underestimated the power of time too – it really does help too.
It would have helped me to know that pregnancy induced anxiety pre-and post-birth, in addition to the damaging mental effects of birth trauma are common. Post-partum rage was a new one on me too! I was blindsided by that. I felt like I was physically and mentally prepared for anything…! I have come to realise that sometimes s**t happens and there isn’t always someone or something to blame.
I think I will always hold some sadness about the start but have to accept I cannot resolve everything – nothing will take it away. We were lucky compared to some people, but we still experienced more panic and upset at a time that everyone tells you “should” be the happiest day of your life.
I wasn’t able to attend any of the support group meetups pre-lockdown and have only met a handful of the ladies on the group at the Mums Matter course. However, I feel that, even in absence of knowing these ladies, the Whatsapp group (with the necessary referral) is a safe space with a shared understanding on multiple different issues!
If you are reading this website, struggling and haven’t yet reached out to the NHS Perinatal mental health services or CPSL mind (note that referrals often happen through Health Visitors) please ask for help. I hope we can welcome you into the group and provide some support.
