Since losing both my parents at 12 year olds, all I ever wanted was my own family. I loved babies anyway, but I also wanted to belong and have a purpose; as well as a love that wouldn’t leave me. This was always in the back of my mind, counting down until it would happen. So when I unexpectedly fell pregnant, I was super excited. I loved being pregnant, it felt like I was doing what I was destined to do and was the happiest I had ever been. So when my daughter was born, my world was made. I was always that maternal friend growing up, and now I was finally a mum, my maternal instincts took over. I became a completely different person, I was no longer “Megan”, I was “*Daughter*’s Mum”. My whole personality, likes/ dislikes, appearance etc. changed. I really could have been a completely different person to who I was before my daughter, but I loved it because I had a daughter, it was all for her. With this, my thinking changed completely too to become a lot more aware of risk than before, and very sensitive to everything. “I could walk down the street with my daughter and a car lose control and hit us both and die”, “There’s a lorry driving on the other side of the road, the driver could lose focus for a second and then veer into us and have a head on and us die”, “what if my daughter caught something from someone who touched her and cause life-threatening or changing injuries”, a Facebook post about a baby dying, I can’t look at that, it could be my daughter… the list went on with every single I saw or thought about.
This thinking quickly took over to become all day, every day, and it was mentally exhausting. Physically, it then started to take over too, so that I would avoid anything that I deemed a risk. I would also suffer from panic attacks and all the physical symptoms that came with them. Which was a vicious cycle, because then I would think I may be causing myself damage and a heart attack due to the increase in blood pressure. I already had minor, liveable OCD, but this changed to a full on obsession too. I couldn’t risk something happening to my daughter, or me because she needed me and I’m all she has! I used to have nightmares about either of us dying, so the minimal sleep I could get with a newborn was even less. But this was just maternal instinct and protective new mum right?!
I didn’t really tell anyone about my thinking, my daughter’s dad only knew from me voicing my concerns at his actions or stopping him from doing stuff but didn’t know the full extent of my thoughts. This quickly affected our relationship and he turned against me as a “controlling psycho”, so I didn’t dare tell him about my other thoughts. Anything I’d read in the news about child abuse or sexual abuse over the years I automatically thought may happen to my daughter, I had to protect her and wouldn’t let anyone near her unless I was there to supervise, including her dad. “You cannot trust anyone other than yourself, you just don’t know what goes through people’s heads”. A few weeks later at a midwife check-up, my daughter’s dad let her know of my “controlling behaviour” and she said it was normal for a new mum to be protective. So on it carried, battling my inner demons and fighting against, what I realise now, a very unsupportive father. I loved my daughter, and loved being a mum, but these anxieties and battling against her dad were exhausting, so I spoke about them to my Health Visitor at a check-up. She straight away told me this wasn’t normal but it was okay, and I was suffering from “Irrational Thoughts / Intrusive Thoughts” and was a form of post-natal depression. But how could this be?! I always thought post-natal depression to be mums who were depressed, or couldn’t deal with their babies, I loved my daughter more than life itself, she was my everything and I was obsessed! What I realised later on is that postnatal depression covers a very large array of issues, covering everything from not dealing with your baby to being absolutely obsessed. Just because you aren’t depressed doesn’t; mean you don’t have postnatal depression.
I was then referred to the Perinatal team who quickly addressed all my concerns and questions, they made me realise I was suffering from anxiety triggered by the Intrusive thoughts and that was okay. I could be open about my thoughts because they understood, and knew I wasn’t a “controlling psycho” it was just my instinct to protect my baby turned to maximum, it was my mental health. Joy the Nursery Nurse came round to see me every week to teach me bonding activities with my daughter to ease my worries, I spoke with the psychiatrist who referred me for CBT to help with my intrusive thoughts and OCD, and was fast tracked so I didn’t have to wait long at all. I also joined the Friday group as a safe space to talk (baby or non-baby related) and make friends. I relied on the Perinatal team so much, they really were invaluable to me and the listening ears and support I needed, they became like true friends.
Postnatal depression comes in so many different forms, each with their own characteristics and symptoms. If you don’t think something is right then tell someone, and if they don’t listen, speak to someone else. The Perinatal team / Mums Need Mums is always here to listen and help if you need them.
This thinking quickly took over to become all day, every day, and it was mentally exhausting. Physically, it then started to take over too, so that I would avoid anything that I deemed a risk. I would also suffer from panic attacks and all the physical symptoms that came with them. Which was a vicious cycle, because then I would think I may be causing myself damage and a heart attack due to the increase in blood pressure. I already had minor, liveable OCD, but this changed to a full on obsession too. I couldn’t risk something happening to my daughter, or me because she needed me and I’m all she has! I used to have nightmares about either of us dying, so the minimal sleep I could get with a newborn was even less. But this was just maternal instinct and protective new mum right?!
I didn’t really tell anyone about my thinking, my daughter’s dad only knew from me voicing my concerns at his actions or stopping him from doing stuff but didn’t know the full extent of my thoughts. This quickly affected our relationship and he turned against me as a “controlling psycho”, so I didn’t dare tell him about my other thoughts. Anything I’d read in the news about child abuse or sexual abuse over the years I automatically thought may happen to my daughter, I had to protect her and wouldn’t let anyone near her unless I was there to supervise, including her dad. “You cannot trust anyone other than yourself, you just don’t know what goes through people’s heads”. A few weeks later at a midwife check-up, my daughter’s dad let her know of my “controlling behaviour” and she said it was normal for a new mum to be protective. So on it carried, battling my inner demons and fighting against, what I realise now, a very unsupportive father. I loved my daughter, and loved being a mum, but these anxieties and battling against her dad were exhausting, so I spoke about them to my Health Visitor at a check-up. She straight away told me this wasn’t normal but it was okay, and I was suffering from “Irrational Thoughts / Intrusive Thoughts” and was a form of post-natal depression. But how could this be?! I always thought post-natal depression to be mums who were depressed, or couldn’t deal with their babies, I loved my daughter more than life itself, she was my everything and I was obsessed! What I realised later on is that postnatal depression covers a very large array of issues, covering everything from not dealing with your baby to being absolutely obsessed. Just because you aren’t depressed doesn’t; mean you don’t have postnatal depression.
I was then referred to the Perinatal team who quickly addressed all my concerns and questions, they made me realise I was suffering from anxiety triggered by the Intrusive thoughts and that was okay. I could be open about my thoughts because they understood, and knew I wasn’t a “controlling psycho” it was just my instinct to protect my baby turned to maximum, it was my mental health. Joy the Nursery Nurse came round to see me every week to teach me bonding activities with my daughter to ease my worries, I spoke with the psychiatrist who referred me for CBT to help with my intrusive thoughts and OCD, and was fast tracked so I didn’t have to wait long at all. I also joined the Friday group as a safe space to talk (baby or non-baby related) and make friends. I relied on the Perinatal team so much, they really were invaluable to me and the listening ears and support I needed, they became like true friends.
Postnatal depression comes in so many different forms, each with their own characteristics and symptoms. If you don’t think something is right then tell someone, and if they don’t listen, speak to someone else. The Perinatal team / Mums Need Mums is always here to listen and help if you need them.
